Last week I had a disagreement with someone. It developed into a situation that you would describe as a heated argument. Yes again this may surprise you, that a meditation teacher would have an argument! Well, there you go, breaking down perceptions.
So to let you know more about the situation, this person had a viewpoint which I didn’t share. They wanted me to accept their viewpoint and I wanted them to accept mine. So we argued in the vain hope that one of us would switch sides and then we would be in agreement. It was one of those scenarios where each person seemed to think that the louder we voiced our opinion the more we believed it would convince the other person to agree with them. (Sound familiar?)
This loud heated exchange went on for a few minutes until I withdrew myself from the scene and the energy in it. I walked away, went into a quiet room, and took some deep breaths. I slowed everything down and was able to detach and observe. One quote came to my mind: “Suffering is resistance to change”, and I have to admit, it wasn’t the most joyful moment! So something had to change.
As a result of many years of meditation, I was able to detach from the ‘me’ who was involved in the situation and be consciously pro-active from an egoless state rather than reactive. Once I removed the ego and the need to win the argument, I was able to cognise what was really occurring.
This person was having a relationship with me, and relationships flourish when there is unity.
When you are arguing there is dis-unity. There is separation.
I realised that they wanted me to be united with them. So from a clear calm state of mind I returned moments later equipped with 2 very important words: “I understand”.
I told them that I understood their viewpoint, and that I totally understood why they felt that way.
At that point the entire energy shifted.
Rather than a hard collision and friction there was unity and harmony.
There was a softness and calmness that pervaded the room. Communication became gentle, and we were now having a shared experience.
Within minutes we had turned around what was a heated argument into a gentle heartfelt dialogue. This also inspired them to understand my perspective and even though they were different perspectives, we were unified in that we both understood each other why we had them. I am not suggesting that you take the other person’s side of an argument each time, however sometimes when we understand and empathise why they see things from their perspective, it can change the entire energy in the room.
Arguments are about force and dominance. I used to argue a lot. I used to try to force my viewpoint into people’s lives. Yeh, I was on my soapbox! (Sorry everyone!)
These days though, I don’t feel that I need to win the arguments anymore. (Although my kids might disagree).
Everyone sees the world through the vision of their own lens.
Usually trying to force someone to see it through your lens will not only create resistance on their behalf, but also be a whole lot of aggravation that you just don’t need. This can be played out with couples, company’s, and even between countries as we are seeing on the planet right now.
So if you find yourself in a heated argument is it possible to step away and ask yourself what is your goal there? Is it to be a victor and win the debate?
Do you really need that person to have your viewpoint?
Do you really believe that the harder and louder you voice your perspective that you will convince them to see it your way?
Or…
Is harmony, happiness and love the ultimate goal in life?
Your ability to detach and respond from an egoless perspective is enhanced through periods of stillness. Cultivate a twice daily practice with our online meditation program.
